by Gil Mansergh

I am amazed how often the films based on Marvel Comics always take time to broadcast their inferiority complex. Part of this is due to the fact that Superman had already been in print for seven years before the first issue of Marvel Comics appeared in October 1939. Two super heroes appeared in that first Marvel comic book—The Human Torch and Namor the Sub-Mariner, and the fact that both of these are little known today adds to Marvel’s insecurities.

I mention this because there is a line in the new “The Avengers” movie where a character calls the stars and stripes costumed Captain America “America’s first superhero,” despite the fact that he didn’t appear in print until March, 1941. (I guess you could argue that Superman is an undocumented alien from the former planet Krypton).

“The Avengers” has received a lot of chatter on the internet because it unites several different trade-marked characters who have appeared in earlier movie blockbusters.

• In “Captain America The First Avenger “(2011) Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) was declared 4-F in the early days of WWII and ended up being turned into “the ultimate human potential” by the Army’s top-secret experiments. After Vietnam, he was cryogenically stored with orders to “defrost when needed.”

• In “The Incredible Hulk “(2008) after the brilliant scientist Bruce Banner (Edward Norton back then, Mark Ruffalo today) is accidentally exposed to a massive dose of gamma rays, he starts transforming into an invincible green giant every time he gets really, really angry.

•In “Thor “(2011) the Norse god of thunder and lightning  (Chris Hemsworth) is the son of Odin and comes from Aasgard to protect Earth after he falls in love with a human woman.

• In “Iron Man” (2008) super genius and multibillionaire industrialist Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) becomes a super hero after his heart is replaced with an electromagnetic arc reactor. He designs and wears a super-protective suit of armor that increases his strength and allows him to fly.

• Black Widow appeared in “Iron Man II” (2010) as the villainous Russian-born assassin Natalia Romanova (Scarlett Johansson) who tried to seduce and destroy Tony Stark. Highly trained in martial arts, deception and interrogation, she is a human with no real super powers.

• Hawkeye first appeared on screen in a cameo appearance in “Thor.” Clint Barton’s (Jeremy Renner) backstory is that he was trained as a master archer as an orphaned boy and became a circus performer. Hunted by the police for a crime he did not commit, he rescues Soviet spy Natalia Romanova when she is injured fighting Tony Stark.

In director and screenwriter Joss Whedon ‘s film, government super-spy Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) assembles these six characters as “The Avengers” to retrieve the tesseract power source from Thor’s half brother Loki (Chris Hemsworth). On the way, they will need to fight against humanity’s certain annihilation by some extraterrestrial meanies who travel to Earth via the tesseract-powered gate in the time-space-continuum.  The recruitment of each team member highlights how Robert Downey Jr. and Mark Ruffalo are acting at an entirely different level than everyone else onscreen. Downey’s Tony Stark is the inventive and quick-thinking self-obsessed true leader of the group, and Ruffalo’s portrayal of Bruce Banner as a mild-mannered biochemist constantly trying to keep a lid on his transformational anger is a perfect counterpart. While the rest of The Avengers rely on brawn and their highly developed fighting skills, Stark and Banner always use their brains before turning into almost invincible fighting machines made of either titanium steel or green-hued flesh and blood.

New Releases for 5/10/12

Dark Shadows (PG-13)
Starring: Johnny Depp, Eva Green, Michelle Pfeiffer, Jackie Earl Haley

Directed by: Tim Burton

Using little from the cult-TV sop opera but the name and characters, this film plays more like “That 70’s Show” as the outdated hairdos, wardrobes and sound track take center stage. Director Tim Burton plays “Nights In White Satin” for the opening theme, uses Barry White in the seduction scenes, and even has Alice Cooper in concert. In summary, Barnabus was cursed by his former girlfriend/witch to live forever as a vampire and then has him entombed. Unearthed after 200 years, the pasty-faced but forever-youngish fellow meets his descendants who still live in the ruins of the familial mansion. The jokes wear thin but the movie inexorably moves on for 114 minutes.

2 and 1/2 pieces of not Burton’s best work toast

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (PG-13)
Starring: Judy Dench, Maggie Smith, Bill Nighy, Tom Wikinson, Penelope Wilton, Dev Patel, Celia Imrie
Directed by: John Madden
A gaggle of familiar faces and voices decides to save money on their retirement accomodations by booking into an Indian hotel that looks beautiful on the website, because the photos were taken when India was a British colony. Deciding to make the best of a ramshackle reality, the wrinkled, and rumpled retirees handle leaking faucets, burned-out lights and holes in the walls with British aplomb, while the young hotel manager slaps a smile on his face and whitewash on the walls to keep his guests satisfied. It’s unpretentious and predictable, but everyone is top-notch and the delight is the ensemble itself.

3 pieces of aging Britishers in India toast

Footnote (PG)
Starring: Shlomo Bar Aba, Lior Ashkenazi, Alisa Rosen, Alma Zak

Directed by: Joseph Ceder

You probably never thought about it, but Talmudic scholars who study the historic Jewish texts, have rivalries as powerful as sports teams. This is doubly so, when the professors are father and son. To keeps things simple, the father is the traditionalist who argues that the text must be zealously defended, while the son is a rising star who sees nuances in every word phrase and punctuation mark. To the father’s dismay (and pride) the son is getting all the attention, while dad must be content with commentaries from the sidelines.

3 pieces nominated for an Oscar Israeli toast

We Have a Pope (PG-13)
Starring: Michel Piccoli, Jerzy Stuhr, Nanni Moretti

Directed by: Nanni Moretti

This Italian farce takes a simple concept—no one really wants to be the Pope—and runs with it…literally runs with it. Soon after the white smoke rises above the Vatican, the elderly, mild-mannered Frenchman who was just elected Pope, runs away. The film is divided into to distinct halves. The first, shows the behind-the-scenes maneuvering of the conclave of Cardinals as each red-cassocked candidate prays he won’t win. Outside the gates, tens of thousands of faithful Catholics (and millions more via TV and the internet), jostle  and harangue each other with personal testimonials, and distress about waiting so long. The second half follows the newly-elected Pope as he first boards a bus and then stops for a drink at a bar. He’s just an ordinary man here—fragile, friendly, and filled with humility, but as soon as the audience begins to wonder if God has made the right choice, the director veers off into slapstick involving a Swiss guard, or the cardinals’ volleyball tournament.

2 and 1/2 pieces of farcical toast

NEW ON DVD

Underworld Awakening (R)
Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Stephen Rae, Michael Ely. India Eisley
Directed by: Mans Marlind, Bjorn Stein
All I can tell you for sure is that you will ponder how Kate Beckinsale manages to put on her tight, tighter, tightest, black leather catsuit in this fourth movie in her vampires vs. werewolves franchise. My guess is a spray gun.

Not available to critics and Gil still hasn’t seen it

The Vow (PG-13)
Starring: Channing Tatum, Rachel McAdams, Sam Neill, Jessica Lange
Directed by: Michael Sucsy
When a car-crash victim emerges from a coma, a man tells her he is her husband and they should begin doing all the things they used to do together (including (gasp) having “marital relations.” Based on a true story where the couple’s religious faith provided the support to make this work, the filmmakers had several choices  of how to proceed—such as a Judd Apatow-style raunchy comedy, a “Total Recall,” style quest for a lost love, a “meet cute” style rom-com where the couple pretend they never met, or, the awkward amalgamation of all the above with dialogue stolen from Hallmark cards. In the end, it’s an OK movie to to see with your date on Valentine’s Day.

2 pieces of wake from a coma in time for Valentine’s Day toast

New Releases for 5/03/12

The Avengers (PG-13)
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner

Directed by: Joss Wheden

We’ve already met Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Thor and Captain America in other films, now the four superheroes unite as a team—albeit a team where multi-billionare Tony Stark (AKA Iron Man) wants to be in charge. The plot involves a Hitchcockian McGuffin called the Tesseract, which gives it’s owner unlimited power. The bad guys steal the sparkling blue cube, and the superheroes are assembled to retrieve it. The showdown occurs at Tony Stark’s mid-Manhattan high-rise where glittering gadgets abound. (I almost wrote “Final showdown” but quickly realized a sequel is sure to follow).

3 and 1/2 pieces of super, super-toast

Coriolanus (R)
Starring: Ralph Fiennes, Vanessa Redgrave, Gerard Butler, Jessica Chastain, Brian Cox
Directed by: Ralph Fiennes
The bloodiest of Shakepeare’s plays is updated to a place called Rome that looks like a modern-day, Balkanized war-zone with the armies dressed in camo-uniforms, and the crowds in the street dressed like “Occupy Oakland” protesters. Ralph Fiennes and screen writer John Logan have kept most of the original lines and plot points, and the Bard’s mastery of archetypes and universalities has never been stronger. The entire cast is superb but Brian Cox steals the film as Menenius, the slick politician who wheedles his way  into things by greasing the wheels with false praise.

3  and 1/2  pieces of best modern-day Shakespeare since Richard III toast

Undefeated (PG-13)
Starring: Bill Courtney, Chavis Daniels, O.C. Brown, Montrail Brown

Directed by: Dan Lindsay, T. J. Martin

This feel-good, Oscar-winning documentary focuses on volunteer coach Bill Courtney as he turns a team of troublemakers into winners. Set in and on the fields, changing rooms, and homes of the Manassas High School Tigers, it is a heart-felt story of individuals overcoming their inner demons to coalesce into a team with spirit, drive, and determination. Shooting real life, the documentary filmmakers have no idea how things will turn out, and the end results are stronger for it.

3 and 1/2 pieces football as Shakespeare toast

Delicacy (PG-13)
Starring: Audrey Tautou, Francois Damiens, Bruno Todeshini, Melanie Bernier

Directed by: David & Stephane Foenkinos

A tragic love-story is encapsulated i a few minutes as a young man and woman fall in love and marry only to have him die in a tragic accident. A few years later, the now older and somber girl peeks her head out for another shot at love, and unexpectedly catches the eye of an unkempt Swede at the office. The humor comes from the couple trying to hide the fact that they are courting from the other cubicle-dwellers. Although the movie is assembled with a “slightly unfinished” feel, Audrey Tautou’s pixie-face makes it work.

2 and 1/2 pieces poignant French toast

Damsels In Distress (PG-13)
Starring: Greta Gerwig, Analeigh Tipton, Adam Brody, Carrie MacLemore
Directed by: Whit Stillman

Set in the time-warp of a college town, three young women try to make the lives of everyone they meet be a little better. Like some modern-day musketeers, they bring a freshman girl into their “youth outreach” program where they hold parties to bring a little joy into the lives of the boys who attend. The result is as fizzy and light as a creme soda sweet, and decidedly vanilla.
3 pieces of well written humor toast

NEW ON DVD

New Year’s Eve (PG-13)
Starring: Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, Robert De Niro, Ashton Kutcher, Hilary Swank, Abigail Breslin, Zac Efron, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sofia Veraga, etc. etc.
Directed by: Garry Marshall
Leave it to Gary Marshall to take the splendiferous talents of multiple Oscar winners and nominees and throw them into this movie in such a haphazard way, that the result is a puff pastry minus the puff—in short, soggy dough. New York’s Times Square takes center stage (the documentary footage shot by Charles Minsky on location last year, is the only standout part of this movie). You see, there’s this big celebration downtown where a rock star and rapper are going to sing and this teen age girl wants to go but her mother says “No,” while another woman goes into labor, a nurse tends to a dying veteran, a man plagued by priapism gets stuck in an elevator with a backup singer while an attractive but frazzled office assistant quits because her record label boss is boorish, but before she leaves, she hires a young courier to help her finish her list of last year’s resolutions. Got that? Do you care? You can catch the same kind of thing on the Hallmark Channel almost any night of the week, and pop your homemade gift cookies in and out of the oven during the commercials.
1 and 1/2  pieces of warmed-over shallowness toast

Haywire (R)
Starring: Gina Carano, Michael Douglas, Channing Tatum, Ewan McGregor
Directed by: Steven Soderbergh
The fabled director of this film picked a real-life, female martial arts champion as his star because he wanted to shoot the fight sequences in”real time,” not the quick edits of “reel time.” On the technical level, this film works well, but characters in Soderbergh’s films always seem emotionally lacking, and this is doubly true here. As a result, the audience has difficulty connecting with the cardboard characters onscreen. Well, at least the fight scenes are good.

2  pieces of female Chuck Norris toast

Joyful Noise (PG-13)
Starring: Queen LAtifah, Dolly PArtn, Keke Palmer, Kris Kristofferson
Directed by: Todd Graff
This feel-good movie about a church choir is filled with music and performers who are larger-than-life. The setting is a small Georgia gospel church, where the choir is good—but not quite good enough to win the national competition. The current soloist is the choir leader’s daughter, and when her nip-and-tuck rival’s grandson arrives from New York, sparks fly between the old folks, and love blossoms with the youngsters. That’s it, in a nutshell. Oh yes. there’s some great singing along the way.

3 pieces of what’s happin’ now-style toast

New Releases for 4/27/12

The Raven (R)
Starring: John Cusak,

Directed by: James McTigue, Brendan Gleeson, Luke Evans, Alice Eve

Vincent Price brought a certain campiness to Edgar Allen Poe’s macabre tales that is sadly missed this time around. Falling into the trap of rewriting history, the grisly stories Poe relates are supposedly based on a real-life series of murders in 19th century Baltimore. John Cusak is terribly miscast as Poe and the absurd script has him playing Sherlock Homes to a city detective in the mold of Inspector Lestrade. It’s “R” rated to boot, so all the terrible things are shown in gruesomely bloody closeups. They should have followed the raven’s “Nevermore” advice before making this mess.

1 and 1/2 pieces of gross-out toast

The Five Year Engagement (R)
Starring: Jason Segel, Emily Blunt, Chris Pratt, Alison Brie
Directed by: Nicholas Stoller
The concept must have sounded good at the pitch session—let’s follow what happens to a rom-com couple after they get engaged—but the end product feels like a rough-cut that’s way too long. The demographic portrayed onscreen is notoriously prone to postponing things like marriage, children and growing up, and this is the poster-couple for the group. Life events, like dying grandmas, grad school and taking a job to pay the bills are the rationale behind the wait, but the female half of the couple is working on a post-doc in psychology and if she is blind to the problem, then one of her quirky classmates should certainly be able to make a diagnosis.

2  and 1/2  pieces of likable actors but way too long a film toast

Pirates! Band of Misfits (PG)
Starring the voices of: Hugh Grant, Brendan Gleeson, Martin Freeman. Imelda Staunton, Brian Blessed, Salma Hayak

Directed by: Peter Lord

Technically, the British-accented sailors in this animated delight are Privateers—sailing under the flag and protection of Queen Victoria. Full of bluster and bombast, the film is like a throwback to those golden days of Loony Tunes, where characters defy gravity and anatomical laws of nature as they fly through the air and crash into various masts, sails, rocks, figureheads and other creatures. The claymation techniques of Aardman Animation are perfect for 3-D, adding to the sense of absurdity, delight and joyfulness. The script is a marvel of intelligent detail as the Captain’s “Parrot” turns out to be an “extinct” dodo bird, and the crew become amateur scientists who mix things like baking soda and vinegar together “just to see what happens.” Kabooom!

3 and 1/2 pieces of lets us be kids again toast

Safe (R)
Starring: Jason Statham, Catherine Chan, Robert John Burke, James Hong, Anson Mount

Directed by: Boaz Yakin

This is one of those movies that critics hate and audiences love. That’s because the males who choose to pay money for the privilege of watching muscular guys whoop ass other guys on the mixed-martial-arts circuit are a self-selected focus group. The set up involves the Russian Mafia exterminating the main character’s family before banishing him to the streets of New York. He quickly discovers that anyone who befriends him is killed, so his isolation deepens. In other words, the plot is there to hang all the action sequences on, as well as the rationale for all the testosterone-fueled violence.

2 and 1/2 pieces brutal immorality toast

Deep Blue Sea (R)
Starring: Rachel Weisz, Tom Hiddleston
Directed by: Terence Davies

Rachel Weisz is astounding as the free-spirited wife of a passionless judge in post WW2 Britain. She starts an amorous relationship with a former RAF pilot and ignores the wise advice from an older friend, “Beware of passion…a guarded enthusiasm [is] safer.” Based on a Terrance Ratigan play, the lead role is considered “one of the greatest roles for an actress in  modern theater. Weisz makes it her own.
3 and 1/2  pieces of Rachel Weisz toast

The Island President (PG-13)
Starring: Mohamed Nasheed

Directed by: Jon Shenk
Imagine what it must have been like for the ruler of Atlantis as his nation sank into the sea, and then place it in the modern world of anti-democracy fundamentalists and anti-science knuckleheads. That is the dilemma facing Mohammed Nasheed, the democratically-elected President of the Maldives, a low-lying group of islands in the Indian Ocean that is rapidly sinking as ocean levels rise. The documentary interweaves the President’s amazing personal story with the astoundingly beautiful scenery and the geo-politics of being a “little” fish, among all the “big fish” on the World stage. The result is a vividly constructed story of survival, realistic determinism and hope.

4 pieces of it’s happening right now! toast

NEW ON DVD

Contraband (R)
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Ben Foster, Kate Beckinsale, Giovanni Ribisi
Directed by: Balthasar Komakur
Based on an Icelandic thriller, this is a formulaic B-movie, but it’s a well done formulaic B-movie. It involves a former New Orleans smuggler who has gone legit and now has a beautician wife and two cute kids. If you think the guy will get sucked back into the action, and his wife and kids will be kidnapped and put in harm’s way, raise your hand. Raise the other one if you think there will be lots of explosions, fighting, threats like “don’t you even mention my wife and kids,” and, just for a surprise, some nifty, shipboard heist sequences.

3 pieces of defrosted from the Icelandic film toast

New Releases for 4/20/12

Chimpanzee (G)
Narrated by: Tim Allen

Directed by: Alastair Fothergill, Mark Linfield

The power of Bambi is obviously still felt in the halls of the Disney studios. Veering away from the fascinating, but overly familiar “Nature Films” that now run 24-hours-a-day on TV, the canny Disney folks have taken amazing footage showing the endearing, human-like actions of chimpanzees in the wild and edited it into a drama. The story comes complete with one cute little guy, named Oscar (hint, hint), becoming an orphan. Aimed at the under-10 crowd, parents can delight in nature’s wonders (the real-life, phosphorescent plants are like something from Avatar) while chuckling every time Tim Allen points out the obvious.

3 pieces of chimps are cute toast

Marley (PG-13)
Starring: Bob Marley, Rita Marley, Ziggy Marley, Cedella Marley, Jimmy Cliff, Bunny Livingston,
Directed by: Kevin Macdonald
Dead for almost as long as he lived, Rastafarian-Reggae-Superstar Bob Marley has left an enormous legacy—with 11 kids from 7 different mothers as one of his stats. The director, known for his award-winning dramas, presents Bob Marley’s story almost as if the musician’s life was shaped by prophecies—a series of disconnected, almost unbelievable events, all encapsulated into one man’s brief life. We learn about the dreadlocks-wearing, charismatic man, the loving but often absent father, and the mystical dancing poet from his family and his fellow musicians and we love it. After all, even white guys think they can dance when they hear Marley’s music.

3 and 1/2  master musicality toast

Think Like a Man (PG-13)
Starring: Jerry Ferrara, Michael Ealy, Regina Hall, Teraji P. Henson, Kevin Hart

Directed by: Tim Story

The director who brought us the ensemble comedy Barbershop, works his magic once more. The catalyst is a self-help book passed around by a group of female friends. The book (a bestseller written by comedian Steve Harvey) posits that women need to understand how men think—so they can outsmart them. The book also suggests that women should impose a “90-days without sex” rule to assess a guy’s true staying power. Since everyone in this comedy is an identifiable “type,” we all know how the “player” and the “good-time-girl”  will react to this piece of advice. And that is what makes the film work so well and be so funny. No surprises. Just a very well done and enjoyable film.

3 and 1/2 pieces of lets us feel happy toast

Kid With Bike (PG-13)
Starring: Thomas Doret, Cecile de France, Jeremie Renier, Fabrizo Rongione

Directed by: Jean-Pierre & Luc Dardenne

An abandoned youngster named Cyril breaks out of the orphanage and sneaks back to his father’s apartment house to retrieve his bicycle. When the authorities arrive, he clings to a woman neighbor named Samantha, and refuses to leave until he can see his old (and now empty) apartment. Samantha finds the bike and returns it to the boy, and Cyril asks to visit her on the weekend. The mercurial Cyril is a handful—running, jumping, racing, fighting, yelling, and constantly demanding attention. In contrast. Samantha is a free-spirited individualist who sees life as a glass half-full. The two work well together, especially when confronted with the stark reality of Cyril’s unloving and unrepentant father

3 and 1/2 pieces of beautifully identifiable French toast

Lucky One (PG-13)
Starring: Zac Ephron, Taylor Schilling, Blythe Danner
Directed by: Scott Hicks

Despite it’s PG-13 designation, this is the first of the films made-from-Nicholas Sparks-cookie-cutter-books, to include profanity, almost-sex, and battlefields in wartime. But it also includes the reguired beautiful beachside romance between two emotional cripples whose paths are destined to become entwined because of an obvious plot device. This time, the connection is photo instead of a mis-directed letter, but it works just as well. This film lets the audience know what to expect before we need to, and the whole thing comes of as a less-than-stellar Hallmark Hall of Fame. It’s terribly, terribly, redundant and insipid.
1 and 1/2  pieces of another Nicholas Sparks without any fire toast

Bully (PG-13)
Starring: Ja’Meya Jackson, Londa Johnson, Kelby Johnson, Bob Johnson, Alex Libby, Jackie Libby
Directed by: Lee Hirsch
Originally labelled “R” when it first appeared in theaters,  the MPAA reacted to media pressure and a petition circulated by Hollywood stars and changed the rating to “PG-13.” This change came after the film’s producers removed three “F-word utterances” from a crucial scene of a teen being bullied on a school bus. Showing the horrific results of bullying upon several teens and their families, the film is praised by many social advocates who call it “a film every parent and child in America must see.” I would add: “If they can talk about it afterwords with school administrators, teachers, parents, legislators, and mental health professionals.” For just watching it in a vacuum, won’t do much. Part of this is the one-sided perspective of the movie itself. We don’t get to know the bullies who are involved or ask why they act this way. We don’t investigate how and why people who are supposedly put in place to protect our children don’t see this as a priority. And most of all, we don’t meet the parents and families of the bullies, and their faces are blurred out in the film footage. The idea is to “break the silence,” but the bullies onscreen are protected. Why?

3 and 1/2 pieces of social advocacy toast

NEW ON DVD

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (PG-13)

Starring: Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, Paula Patton, Michael Nyquist

Directed by: Brad Bird

Brad Bird has managed to bring his Pixar perfectionism with him, and direct his mega-star to turn off the “cruise-control” and actually do something more than flashing his dimples. The result is an extraordinarily enthralling action movie—the best since “The Bourne Ultimatum.” As almost everyone knows, “the Secretary will disavow “ the IMF team if they go public, and after the Kremlin explodes, that is exactly what happens. Now the team must confront a Swedish megalomaniac as “rogue terrorists,” which puts an interesting spin on operating impossibly in this post 9/11 age of paranoia. Bird filmed many scenes with an IMAX camera, bringing incredible live-action feats up close and personal—a true Mission Impossible.

4 pieces of action movie toast

Shame (NC-17)

Starring: Michael Fassbender, Carey Mulligan, James Badge Dale, Lucy Walters

Directed by: Steve McQueen

The Michael Fassbender character is all about sex as power, sex as a commodity, sex without love, sex male or female, sex bought and paid for—and the childhood experiences with his promiscuous, exhibitionist sister that established the parameters of this addiction.

3 and 1/2 pieces of not for most movie-goers toast

New Releases for 4/13/12

The Three Stooges (PG)
Starring: Sean Hayes, Will Sasso, Chris Diamantopolous, Jane Lynch, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Hudson.

Directed by: Peter and Bobby Farelley

You could say that watching the Three Stooges cartoonish mayhem is an acquired taste, but to me, they are about as funny as a poke in the eye with a sharp shtick. In this film, the burlesque-style antics begin on the steps of an orphanage, where the Stooges grow up, acquire those trade-mark haircuts, and choreograph their incessant bullying. You can’t tell that this film took over a decade to make, with musical-chair directors, writers and actors, because all we get is three guys imitating the three (or four or five, depending on how you count them) originals who entertained depression-era audiences with their two-reelers. I guess this is an homage, but bringing in the cast of TV’s Jersey Shore as straight-men falls as flat as an uncharged seltzer bottle.

2 pieces of doesn’t woik toast

The Lockout (PG-13)
Starring: Guy Pearce, Peter Stormare, Maggie Grace
Directed by: James Mather, Stephen St. Leger
Convicted of a crime he did not commit (where have I heard that line before?), a government agent, is shipped off to a space-station prison. After the required number of fights and beatings, the wise-cracking, bad-ass, has a shot at redemption. His task? To rescue the President’s beautiful daughter  from the kidnappers who took advantage of her improbable sightseeing tour (plot-device anyone?) of this maximum-security Botany Bay.

1 and 1/2  pieces of completely unbelievable toast

Cabin in the Woods (R)
Starring: Kristen Conolly, Chris Hemsworth, Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford

Directed by: Drew Goddard

Advertised as “the smartest horror film in years,” it isn’t. The set up is familiar—five stereotypical college kids on a weekend camping trip in a remote cabin are terrified by unexplained phenomenon. In the classics of this genre, the kids lives are on the line and the stakes are high. This time, two mad scientists are watching the kids every move, and controlling the haunted house’s special effects while reciting inane dialogue stolen from better films. The result is like watching a reality TV-show where the producers manipulate the “contests” for the TV viewing audience, but no one cares who “wins.”

1 and 1/2 pieces of  so-what toast

In Darkness (R)
Starring: Robert Wieckiewicz, Krystopf Skonieczny, Michal Zurawski, MAria Shrader, Herber Knaup, Marcin Bosak

Directed by: Agnieszka Holland

This is one of those “based-on-a-true-story” Hollocaust movies where an ordinary citizen goes to extraordinary lengths to protect complete strangers from certain death. The focus of the film, is a Polish sewer-worker and part-time burgler, who uses the underground system as both escape route and hiding place for his loot. The man’s life changes when comes upon Nazi storm troopers killing Jewish women. He realizes that there is money to be made from hiding Jews in his sewers, but as he comes to know a few of them as human beings, he becomes their protector. Bealtifully filmed, with heart-breaking performances, this film was nominated for the Best Foreign Film Oscar last year.

3 and 1/2 pieces of contrasting darkness and light toast

The Raid: Redemption (R)
Starring: Iko Uwais, Ananda George, Yayan Ruhian
Directed by: Gareth Evans

The Welsh director has compiled a hundred minutes of  blood spattering punching, slapping, gouging, kicking, breaking, smashing, slashing, crashing, martial-arts mayhem that will raise the testosterone levels of fans of this genre. The story line shows what happens when a heavily armed Indonesian SWAT Team is assigned the task of clearing a drug gang out of a 15-story apartment building. When they battle to the fifth floor, the bullets run out, and they must go hand-to-hand against highly trained, machete-wielding bad guys.  Lots of slo-mo closeups of death and dying. Most of us can skip it
1 and 1/2  pieces of slash and burn toast

October Baby (PG-13)
Starring: Rachel Hendrix, John Schneider, Tracy Miller
Directed by: Andrew Erwin, Jon Erwin
When a college student collapses onstage, doctors discover that she suffers from a rare condition brought on by a difficult birth after her birth-mother’s failed abortion. The filmmakers label this a “faith-based drama.

Unavailable for preview

NEW ON DVD

Iron Lady (R)

Starring: Meryl Steep, Jim Broadbent, Olivia Coleman
Directed by: Phyllida Lloyd
Meryl Steep has once again won an Oscar for absorbing the persona of someone and bringing it to the screen. This time around, it’s the charismatic British Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher. This conservative whirlwind never let distractions (including family and friends) get in her way. Unfortunately, the filmmakers decided to have Thatcher be shown dictating her memoirs, and the story is told in flashback. So we see a tired, worn-out and throughly aged dowager at the beginning instead of the super-woman who went to Parliament and rose to become the “Iron Lady” personified.

2 and 1/2 pieces of Streep could have almost done this solo toast

We Bought a Zoo (PG)

Starring: Matt Damon, Thomas Haden Church, Scarlett Johnsson, Patrick Fugit, Elle Fanning

Directed by: Cameron Crowe

Recent movies about someone running a zoo (or aquarium, circus or museum) always seem to  include poop jokes and a critters acting like humans. Surprisingly, this film manages to avoid those clichés, and offers us heartfelt, family fare. The protagonist is a recently widowed newspaper columnist who decides all of the squabbles he has with his kids will be settled if they buy a zoo. So he does. Coming along with the animals, huge food bills and lots of biologicals, is a group of hippie-style workers including a beautiful female zookeeper. The resulting movie is fine. But with Cameron Crowe in the director’s chair, it’s surprisingly ordinary.

2 and 1/2 pieces of animals act like animals instead of humans toast

New Releases for 4/06/12

Jiro Dreams of Sushi (PG)
Starring: Jiro Ono, Yoshikazu Ono, Takashi Ono

Directed by: David Gelb

If Guy Fieri searched Japan to find little out-of-the-way places to eat, he would certainly uncover the ten-seat sushi-bar in a Tokyo subway. For behind the tiny counter at Sukiyabashi,  the 85-year-old Jiro Ono and his son Yoshiko, chop, slice and roll, perfect compositions of raw fish, seaweed and rice. With a 3-star rating from the Michelin Guide (the highest possible), dinner prices sometime soar above $300 each, but, imagine, just imagine what sublime perfection must taste like.

3 and 1/2 pieces of sushi documentary toast

The Salt of Life (NR)
Starring: Gianni Di Gregorio, valerie De Franciscis, Alfonso Santgata
Directed by: Gianni Di Gregorio, Murat Duzgunoglo
It must be challenging to try to live up to the Italian stereotype of philandering, sex-obsessed lothario, when you would much rather take a nap in the afternoon sun—alone. This NR-rated Italian parable about male menopause sadly lacks the joie-de-vivre the late Marcello Mastroianni brought to similar roles and we are left with sadness rather than wry humor.

2  pieces of “is that all there is?” toast

American Reunion (R)
Starring: Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Seann William Scott, Eugene Levy

Directed by: Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlosberg

American Reunion is the anemic last gasp (hopefully) of the “American Pie” teen-sex franchise where the now 30-something, former teens obsess about getting enough sleep, finding the right blender, or making sure every office cubicle gets a memo on-time. It’s all sit-com set-ups and no pay-offs in a film that seems as set in a time-warp as the old “Porky’s” movies. Only Eugene Levy, as the hapless, newly-widowed dad, is worth seeing, and he’s mostly stuck at the end of the film.

1 pieces of not teens anymore (or funny either) toast 

Titanic 3-D (PG-13)
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Frances Fisher, Gloria Stewart, Billy Zane

Directed by: James Cameron

To honor the destruction of the “unsinkable” ocean liner 100 years ago, James Cameron has re-released a 3-D version of his mega-blockbuster, Titanic. The lines are just as corny, the setups still as melodramatic, but the iceberg strike, botched evacuation and sinking of the great vessel are worth the extra dollars for those 3-D glasses. Coincidentally, the National Geographic Channel airs an investigative recreation of the Titanic’s final moments this week. Hosted by the redoubtable James Cameron, computer technology examines the wreck at the bottom the sea in detail, and comes up with some surprising new information.

3 and 1/2 pieces of Titanic redoux toast

NEW ON DVD

War Horse (PG-13)

Starring: Jeremy Irvine, Emily Watson, Peter Mullan, David Thewlis

Directed by: Steven Spielberg

The soul of this film, and the book that inspired it, is the love of a boy for his horse. Problem is, history intercedes with a cast of thousands. The story opens in Pre-WW1 Britain when a father buys a colt for his son, but when war is declared, the horse is bought by an appreciative Army officer. A horrible cavalry charge, places the horse in clutches of animal-hating Germans, and eventually into the care of a French farmer’s daughter. Set pieces along the way play like scenes from movies made when the people on the battlefields were flesh and blood, not CG images, and the true horror of medieval-style armies facing machine guns, tanks and mustard gas, comes across strongly. But, and this is a big but, the Spielburgian pathos comes across as audience manipulating sentimentality and the result is very disappointing

2 and 1/2 pieces of  I expected better toast

We Bought a Zoo (PG)

Starring: Matt Damon, Thomas Haden Church, Scarlett Johnsson, Patrick Fugit, Elle Fanning

Directed by: Cameron Crowe

Recent movies about someone running a zoo (0r aquarium, circus or museum) always seem include poop jokes and a critters acting like humans. Surprisingly, this film manages to avoid those clichés, and offers us heartfelt, family fare. The protagonist is a recently widowed newspaper columnist who decides all of the squabbles he has with his kids will be settled if they buy a zoo. So he does. Coming along with the animals, huge food bills and lots of biologicals, is a group of hippie-style workers including a beautiful female zookeeper. The resulting movie is fine. But with Cameron Crowe in the director’s chair, it’s surprisingly ordinary.

2 and 1/2 pieces of animals act like animals instead of humans toast

Being Elmo: A Puppeteer’s Journey (G)
Starring: Kevin Clash, Frank Oz, Cheryl Henson, Joan Ganz Cooney, Rosie O’Donnell
Directed by: Constance Marks
Spoiler alert! You will see that the muppets have hidden people attached to them who keep out of sight.

Kevin Clash knew what he wanted to be when he grew up, and he got to live out his dream. Narrated by Whoopi Goldberg, this made-for-TV documentary is a fun and often quite moving portrait of the mega-talented people beneath the fur and feathers who bring the Sesame Street Muppets to life. We discover that Cash resurrected a little-used caveman type muppet covered in red fur by giving him a squeaky voice and bubbly personality, and created a star. Home movie footage of the Baltimore-born, African-American puppeteer add depth and delight to a “sunny day, chasing the clouds away” kind of story.

3 and 1/2 pieces of tickle me Elmo toast

New Releases for 3/30/12

Mirror, Mirror (PG-13)
Starring: Julia Roberts, Lily Collins, Arnie Hammer, Nathan Lane

Directed by: Tarsem Singh

In 2006, Tarsem Singh wrote and directed “The Fall” an ambitious film shot on five continents which celebrated movie making, story telling, exotic locals and fairy-tales. Despite some truly brilliant sequences, the film didn’t work as a whole. This time, Singh has created a movie lacking any brilliance at all. It’s as if the suits decided that they should do a clever retelling of Snow White from the Queen’s point of  view, primarily to cast Julia Roberts in her first role as a villain. Problem is, Lana Parilla plays the Queen to perfection every Sunday night on TV’s “Once Upon a Time,” with Ginnifer Goodwin playing Snow White in both the Olde Fairie Tale and the present-day. I blame  the Mirror, Mirror script, the concept, the suits…in fact, I blame everyone involved for this mess.

1 piece of what a darn shame toast

Bullhead (R)
Starring: Ewan McGregor, Amr Waked, Emily Blunt
Directed by: Lasse Halstrom
With cattle barons, drug smugglers, and cross-border rivalries, this noirish “western” is surprisingly set in Belgium. Starting out like a documentary about using steroids to fatten cattle for market, a flashback to a cowboy’s childhood reveals traumatic insecurities which doom his attempts to woo the pretty perfume salesgirl. But at it’s core, it is a tale of Waloons vs Flemish (ie. French speakers vs Dutch speakers) inexorably headed to a stand off where the “winner” is unclear at best.

3  pieces of this was nominated for an Oscar toast

Wrath of the Titans (PG-13)
Starring: Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Bill Nighy

Directed by: Jonathan Liebsman
Remade primarily to gather the extra shekels from “renting” you those 3-D glasses, this film made me wonder if the stars who dot the boulder and volcano-strew landscape made this movie because they like to play poker together off camera. Or maybe it was the big paychecks? There’s way more acting talent than necessary for this pseudo Greek mythology involving an angry Zeus, some angrier sons, and a muscular, but clueless grandson. It all goes in an obvious direction towards an obvious final battle of the gods. (By the way, the gods in this film are technically the Olympians, who overthrew the older generation of Titans in an historic Greek paradigm shift called the Titanomachy).

2 pieces of seen it all before toast 

NEW ON DVD

A Dangerous Method (R)
Starring: Keira Knightly, Viggo Mortensen, Michael Fassbender

Director: David Cronenberg
Freud and Jung’s most celebrated patient is the centerpiece of a story of sexual repression, masochism, Jewish symbolism, Protestant archetypes, dreams, and tattered boundaries between therapist and client. Stymied in his attempts to “reach” his patient, Jung seeks guidance from Freud, the “father of psychotherapy.” The two men’s different backgrounds, belief systems, life experiences and personal obsessions, grow before our eyes into the great divide that splits psychoanalytical theory to this very day.

3 pieces of Jung Freudian toast

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (PG-13)
Starring: Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Thomas Horn, MAx Von Sydow, Viola Davis, John Goodman, Zoe Caldwell
Directed by: Stephen Daldry
Before that deadly day in September, 2001, Oskar had a loving father and mother who grappled with his Aspergers-like symptoms by creating a fantasy life of “reconnaissance expeditions” in New York’s Central Park. This film is designed to tug at your heartstrings and make you fumble with your pack of Kleenex in the theater darkness. You have a choice— embrace the blatant manipulation, or, like me, criticize it. This is a time-capsule film. And although I lived these terrifying days on the West coast, I find it unlikely that a grieving widow would blithely let her only son explore the dangerous alley ways and hidden dells of a city in shock all by himself. But she does, by letting her child search for the lock that fits a recently discovered key.  This “lone boy on a quest” is a Joseph Campbell archetype, and all mythic heroes have to trek through dangerous places to retrieve their talismans—but to me, when this quest is in post 9/11 New York City, and the hero is a frail, young boy, it seems much too dangerous a time and place.

2 and 1/2 pieces of audience manipulation toast

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (G)
Starring: Jason Lee, David Cross, and the 78-RPM voices of: Justin Long, Gray Gubler, Alan Tudyk, Jesse McCartney
Directed by: Mike Mitchell
Carnival Cruise Lines is trying for a new demographic with this 87 minute commercial featuring the squeaky-voiced, rock star rodents collectively known as The Chipmunks. The squeaky-clean ship almost sinks beneath the groan-inducing puns and pop culture references obviously written by septuagenarians who still think “shaken, not stirred” is a funny line.

1 and 1/2 pieces of this ain’t no Love Boat toast

A “Festival” is defined as “a gala celebrating some aspect of the community,” and there in a nutshell, is why the Fifth Annual Sebastopol Documentary Film Festival  (SDFF) has been honored as:

• “One of the 20 Coolest Film Festivals” by MovieMaker Magazine

• “The BEST Sonoma County Film Festival” in the North Bay Bohemian 2012 Readers Poll

• “One of the 12 Best Small Town Film Festivals” in the country (and the only one on the list from the West Coast) by the PBS/POV Blog

The wider Sebastopol community has embraced this grass-roots film festival and nurtured its growth and development over the past six years in many different ways.  As Linda Galletta, Executive Director of the Festival’s sponsoring organization says, “The Sebastopol Center for the Arts  (SCA) honors diverse forms of art, including sculpture, pottery, , painting, photography, drawing, the literary arts, music, dance and film. This year, the SCA made a substantial commitment to film by bringing Jason Perdue on staff as the Director of Film Programs. The wisdom of this decision is reflected in the vibrancy, innovation and professionalism Jason and his core committee of dedicated volunteers bring to this year’s Fifth Annual Film Festival, and the recognition on both the national and local level about how very special the SDFF really is.”

Business and residents in and around Sebastopol show their support in many tangible ways. As Jason Perdue notes: “We don’t have the corporate or university support that many of the other film festivals [on the lists] have, so we can’t provide airfare or ground transportation for the filmmakers. We try to make up for this with discounted accommodations generously provided by Fairfield Inn, and the gracious welcome from people who invite visiting filmmakers to stay in their guest rooms. We also provide free or low cost food and drink with support from Peter Lowell’s, Laguna Farm, Slow Food Russian River, Forchetta/Bastoni, French Garden, Smokehouse Barbeque Bistro, Hopmonk Tavern, Whole Foods, and Bohemian Creamery as well as Balletto, and Z-mor wineries, Claypool Cellars, Blue Angel Vodka, and the Wine Emporium, and tea and coffee from Guayaki, My Friend Joe, Taylor Maid Farms and Holy Cow.

Sebastopol native Cynthi Stefenoni is proud that “ one of the things that distinguishes this festival is that the filmmakers all feel at home here and like the fact that we really care about them and their films.” Serving as the festival’s volunteer coordinator, Cynthi adds, “That’s mainly because of all my great volunteers and the genuine interest from the general public. Their sunny outlook and willingness to go the extra mile to explain things and find things out for [filmmakers] and for all the attendees puts people at ease and makes them happy to be here.” She finishes with a small pep-talk, “ So feel free to be happy and have fun during the Festival weekend.  Your good moods are infectious… your friendly outlook is what keeps putting the Sebastopol Documentary Film Festival on the map.  Keep it up!”

SCA Board and SDFF committee member Jean McGlothlin appreciates how “music and art are part of the Film Fest. She points out that the SCA gallery exhibit “Art of Light,” was curated to coincide with the Festival.” She also delights that after the 7:00 pm Thursday showing of Mark Cousin’s magical film “The First Movie” at the Analy High Auditorium, a marching band will lead people on downtown sidewalks to the Opening Night reception at the Sebastopol Center for the Arts on Morris Street.” With obvious enthusiasm Jean adds, “busker/musicians will play at the various film screening venues throughout the weekend, and Hopmonk Tavern will have a special live performance of the band Fishbone following the Sunday evening screening of Chris Metzler and Lev Anderson’s documentary about the band called “Everyday Sunshine.”

Winner of the SDFF 2012 Jury Award for her feature film “Trust: The Second Acts In Young Lives,” filmmaker Nancy Kelly appreciates how the SDFF interweaves art and film. “Over the years of filming “Trust,” I and my camera witnessed first-hand the transformative process of making art; the role of art in creating community; and the nature of creative thinking.”

Running March 29-April 1, information and programs are available online at sebastopolfilmfestival.org

New Releases for 3/23/12

Hunger Games nothing special, Crazy Horse has topless dances

The Hunger Games (PG-13)
Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Woody Harrelson, Elizabeth Banks

Directed by:Gary Ross

In a post-revolution North America, a feisty archer-girl named Katniss Everdeen saves her sister from death by volunteering to take her place in the televised annual “survival of the fittest” (and luckiest) called the  Hunger Games. 24 contestants begin the games, and only one will come out alive. We watch Katniss hunting for food before the games, see her waxed and styled and given fighting tips from a Games survivor, and then watch her run and jump, and empty her quiver as others die around her. The story-line, settings and costumes are re-hashed from films like “The Running Man, “The Most Dangerous Game,”  ”Logan’s Run,” and even “The Wizard of Oz,” but it will still be widely popular with this new generation of film-watchers.

3 pieces of perfect allegory for this generation toast

Salmon Fishing In The Yemen (R)
Starring: Ewan McGregor, Amr Waked, Emily Blunt
Directed by: Lasse Halstrom
Set in a Middle East where geopolitical realities don’t seem to exist, this desert-island fairy-tale revolves around a mystical sheik who dreams of turning a much-needed water project into a fly-fisherman’s paradise. He corrals a stuffy, uppercrust, and unwilling  Scotsman to oversee the project, and the females who come along for the ride provide wit, backbone and romantic interest.

3  pieces of everyone is top-notch in this toast

Carol Channing: Larger Than Life (PG)
Directed by: Dori Bernstein
The constantly moving woman with the huge eyes, wide mouth and Bennington diction is literally alive and kicking at 91 (despite her fondness for cigarettes). There is a “let’s put on a show” sprightliness to this documentary which traces the dancer/singer/comedienne from her onstage debut at the age of 7 to the present. Channing was Broadway’s original Lorelei in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes,” and the two-time Tony Award-winner continued to play the part for over 60 years. Although the movie could have cut out some of the “trailing after her” sequences, it’s still a noble and entertaining glimpse of a one-of-a-kind star.

3 pieces of brotherly magic toast 

Crazy Horse (NR)
Directed by: Fredrick Wiseman
You won’t find any “talking-heads” in this documentary about the topless dances at Paris’ fabled nightclub. The director takes us through the meticulously detailed and physically demanding preparations for a new show called “Desirs,” where the self-labelled “soldiers of the erotic army” create impossible-seeming dances and tableaus.

3 pieces of “the Crazy” French toast 

NEW ON DVD

The Muppets (PG) 

Starring: Jason Segel, Amy Adams, Chris Cooper, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo

Directed by: James Bobin

The lights have been dark in the former Muppet theater for over a decade, and the furry, feathered and Velcroed stars have scattered to the four corners of the Earth. But when a Texas Billionaire threatens to tear the place down and drill for oil, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Miss Piggy and their fans gather together to stage the Greatest Muppet Telethon Ever! Written by Jim Henson, Jason Siegel, and Nicholas Stoller, this feature-length movie captures the humor, joy, laughter and love that propelled the TV-show and the first Muppet Movie to greatness.

4 pieces of it’s not easy being green toast 

Tinker, Tailer, Soldier, Spy (R)
Starring: Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, John Hurt, Tom Hardy, Ciaran Hinds, Mark Strong
Directed by: Tomas Alfredson
What took almost seven hours in the 1979 BBC-TV miniseries starring Alec Guinness, runs two hours and eight minutes in this anti-James Bond cold-war spy thriller. Based on John Le Carre’s novel, director Tomas Alfredson, has tightened the tension while leaving the buttoned-down bureaucracy intact. Gary Oldman is superb as George Smiley, the disgraced secret agent called out of retirement to find the double agent from a list of suspects with the code names in the title. Everything is understated stiff-upper-lip stuff—no bimbos, bombs, or high-tech gadgets. It’s chilly, plodding detective work in wet, dreary back alleys where paranoia fuels the bleakness. Riveting.
3 and 1/2  pieces of spy back out in the cold toast

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (R)

Starring: Daniel Craig, Rooney Mara, Stellan Skarsgard, Elodie Young, Christopher Plummer, Robin Wright

Directed by: David Fincher

What could have been a tepid, Hollywood remake of a cold-blooded Swedish film manages to remain icily Scandinavian, and the result is astoundingly true to Steig Larson’s mega-bestselling novel. The girl in the title is the victimized product of abuse, rape and incarceration by the family and welfare system that should have been her protectors. To get revenge, this wizard of a hacker searches for and finds the perfect person to aid her quest—an investigative journalist recently hired to uncover the truth about the murder of a millionaire’s daughter.

3 and 1/2 pieces of iced leather and tattoos toast

Hop (PG)
Starring: James Marsden, Kaley Cuoco, Elizabeth Perkins
and the Voices of: Russell Brand, Hugh Laurie
Directed by: Xavier Beauvois
Apparently, the Easter Bunny is British (at least he speaks with a British accent). It’s also time for his retirement, and the passing of the baskets to the younger generation, but the plot isn’t important here. Instead, the folks who brought us the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies where live actors interact with animated animals, go through the motions once again. It’s just 89 minutes of babysitting time filled with jokes that occasionally manage to be funny (but most often aren’t).
1 and 1/2 pieces of this bunny poops jelly beans! toast