Gil Mansergh’s Cinema Toast

New Releases 10/23/09

Astro Boy (PG)
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Kristen Bell, Bill Nighy, Freddie Highmore
Director: David Bowers
Looking a lot like the plastic statues that used to stand guard at Bob’s Big Boy hamburger restaurants, the shiny, gee-whiz look of this Japanese super hero  almost makes you forget the truly dark “back story.” A sky city scientist accidentally kills his super-smart son and replaces him with a super strong robot he can’t learn to love, This Astro Boy is coveted by the evil government but escapes by falling to Earth where he joins orphan children raised by a Fagan-like exploiter who probably studied “Oliver” to learn his parenting skills. But that’s what the adults will see. The kids didn’t seem to be upset by any of this.
3 pieces CG animated (but no 3-D) toast

The Vampire’s Assistant  (R)
Starring: Chris Massoglia, John C. Reilly, Ken Watanabe, Salma Hayek
Director: Paul Weitz
This plays like a two hour X-Files episode about a freak-filled sideshow and half-vampires caused by spider bites  (I guess the Spiderman arachnid was already under contract). There are lots of B-list actors with cameos who probably thought this film would be cool on their resume. They were wrong.
1 and 1/2 piece of totally unbelievable toast

Saw VI (R)
Starring: Costas Mandylor, Mark Rolston, Betsy Russell, Tobin Bell
Director: Kevin Greutert
Gil does not screen or review slasher films
Amelia (PG)
tarring: Hilary Swank, Richard Gere, Ewan McGregor, Virginia Madsen
Director: Mira Nair
Scorcese’s masterwork of depression-age aviation, “The Aviator” set the high bar for others to try to reach. In comparison, this film makes the enigmatic aviatrix Amelia Earhart seem old-fashioned instead of retro. Swank smiles a lot but remains as static as the black and white photos which pop up throughout this disappointment.
2 pieces of never really takes off toast
Coco Before Chanel (R)
Starring: Audrey Tautou, Benoit Poelvoorde, Alessandro Nivola, Marie Gillain
Director: Anne Fontaine
Like a collaboration by Dickens and Collette, a Catholic orphan girl grows to be a music hall singer and avoids the inevitable spiral into prostitution by becoming a mistress to a wealthy playboy. On the way, she designs a hat, dons men’s clothing, beds both sexes, and grabs hold of opportunities that come her way as though she had been to the best business school on the continent.
3 pieces of French toast

NEW ON DVD

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (PG-13)
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson
Director: Michael Bay
Humans are merely inconveniences in this computer generated series of more and more complicated (and destructive) robots obliterating everything in their path. Even Egypt’s historic Valley of the Kings isn’t spared (and we thought the Taliban were bad!).
1 and 1/2 piece of boom, bang and crush toast

Cheri (R)
Starring: Michelle Pfeiffer, Kathy Bates, Rupert Friend, Felicity Jones
Director: Stephen Frears
Two of French novelist Collette’s works were combined to provide the story of a (supposedly) more decadent era—pre-WWI Paris.  But instead of feeling puffed up and entertaining, the result is oddly deflated and quite dull.
1 and 1/2 piece of pretty, but clueless toast