Gil Mansergh’s Cinema Toast
New Releases 4/06/07

Grindhouse (R)
Kurt Russell; Bruce Willis, Rose McGowan
Directed by: Robert Rodriguez, Quentin Tarantino
Way back when drive-in-movies dotted the landscape, some brick and mortar theaters tried to lure customers away from their TVs by showing two (or even three) low-budget movies for the same admission price. Anointed auteurs Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino separately created a zombie movie (”Planet Terror“) and a serial killer film (”Death Proof“), had other friends make previews for nonexistent films and strung this all together for 3 and 1/2 hours of tortured women, bare blood-spattered breasts, bad acting, bad writing, and a few “I’ve never seen that before” bits (like the lap dancer who loses a leg and replaces it with a machine gun to mow down the bad guys).
1 and 1/2 pieces of once again, more violence against women toast

Are We Done Yet? (PG)
Ice Cube, John C. McGinley, Nia Long
Directed by: Steve Carr
In “Old School,” Will Farrell plays a happily married suburbanite who describes what he plans for his weekend: “Um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we’re going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that.” Instead of Farrell, cast former gangsta rapper Ice Cube, place him in a newly purchased “fixer-upper” with a new wife, her 2 children and a baby on the way, then add a manic realtor who is an annoyingly helpful wannabe friend, and you’ve got a luke warm remake of Cary Grant’s 1940’s classic “Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House.“
2 pieces of Mr. Bland repairs his money pit toast

Firehouse Dog (PG)
Bruce Greenwood, Bill Nunn, Josh Hutcherson
Directed by: Todd Holland
If you find the term “dog duty” (”dog doody”?) hilariously funny, than this movie about a movie star dog turned real-life firehouse rescue dog is for you. All the rest of us should roll over, take a walk or fetch the paper instead of sitting through this.
1 piece of doggone purile toast

“The Italian” (PG-13)
Kolya Spiridonov, Sasha Syrotkin, Olga Shuvalova
Director: Andrei Kravchuk
As Joseph Campbell points out in his “Hero With a Thousand Faces,” an orphaned child, a dream of reuniting with the missing parents, acquiring needed skills and tools, and making a danger-filled journey to reach an elusive goal are mainstays in the world’s greatest mythologies. This time, the orphan is a Russian boy who is purchased by an Italian couple. But after learning to read and breaking into the orphanage’s safe, he runs away to find his “real” mother and becomes a master storyteller along the way. Dickensian brutality (reality?) blends with sentimental adventure and a finale you don’t expect.
3 pieces of Russian, not Italian toast

The Situation (NR)
Connie Nielsen, Damian Lewis, Mido Hamada
Directed by: Phillip Haas
A blonde journalist, her CIA agent fiancé, and her Iraqi photographer (soon to be lover) get embroiled in the cover up of a boy who drowned after being thrown off a bridge by American soldiers. As Rick said in “Casablanca, ” it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.” Unfortunately, “The Situation’s” film makers thought otherwise.
1 and 1/2 pieces of thinks it is so much more than it is toast

NEW ON VIDEO/DVD

The Good Shepherd (R)
Matt Damon, Angelina Jolie, Joe Pesci, Robert De Niro
Directed by: Robert De Niro
Box Office: $59,839,040
This fictional account of the birth of the CIA is directed by De Niro with a relentless and icy cold sense of paranoia. Damon keeps to this one note and seems miscast as someone who could dramatically change our country’s (and the world’s) agendas. The 3-hour long end result is as predictable as Novocain–numbness.
1 and 1/2 pieces of needed a brave and strong editor toast

Volver (R)
Penelope Cruz, CArmen Maura
Directed by: Pedro Almodovar
Box Office: $12,830,604
Spain’s top director leads Penelope Cruz to an Oscar nominated performance in this dark comedy with as many plot twists as there are shellfish in paella. Powerful, resilient, creative, supportive, and crafty women are the focus (and men are superfluous) in a tale of ghosts, cancer, laughter, tears, children in peril, and resurrection (after all, volver is the Spanish word for “return”),
3 and 1/2 pieces of brilliant toast

Charlotte’s Web (G)
Dakota Fanning, Julia Roberts
Directed by: Gary Winick
Box Office: $82,506,325
The book still retains a charm that a movie can’t capture. But having said that, this film is top notch. Sort of Babe-like, sort of Nature Channel-like and sort of Advertising Age-like. ( I never have understood why people got so excited about Wilbur the pig and were nonplused by a spider who can write words).
3 and 1/2 pieces of spidery toast