Gil Mansergh’s Cinema Toast

New Releases 11/16/07

Beowulf (PG-13)
The voices of Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn, Crispin Glover, Alison Lohman, Angelina Jolie
Directed by Robert Zemeckis
With the seas filled with monsters and pain-wracked giants ravaging the countryside, it was unwise of King Hrothgar to have all night parties fueled by barrels of mead. Unwise, because it made the monstrous Grendel upset, and he killed and ate half of the guests. Enter the fair-haired Viking warrior named Beowulf who, nude and weaponless, slays the giant. But the murder of guests continues, and so Beowulf must enter the giant’s cave to find (and cavort with) it’s powerfully sexual mother (Freudian twist eh?).
3 and 1/2 pieces of Scandinavian epic toast

Love in the Time of Cholera (R)
Javier Bardem Giovanna Mezzogiorno
Directed by Mike Newell
The book works, the film doesn’t in this tale of Florentino, a self-obsessed man who keeps a list of his sexual conquests and then loudly brags about it. But, he’s really not all bad “he just pines for an 18-year-old girl he fell in love with some 600 women ago. She marries another and when her husband finally dies (after 53 years of happily wedded bliss) Florentino makes the moves on the widow who protests that she is old and ugly. And here is the biggest problem “this “old and ugly” actress looks to be 30 years old (which she was when the movie was shot). Florentino has aged (but he was played as a young man by another actor) but his true love has not and the audience notices that minor little detail.
1 piece of choleric toast

Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium (G)
Dustin Hoffman, Natalie Portman
Directed by: Zach Helm
Dustin Hoffman plays a 243-year-old toymaker (with an irritating speech impediment and quirky mannerisms) who has finally run out of shoes and therefore decides to die. (Not soon enough for my taste however). He asks his accountant to get everything in order so that he can gift the emporium to the perky store manager who would rather be creating music. Attempting to catch the whimsy of a Willy Wonka or the bounciness of Flubber but falls flat instead.
1 and 1/2 pieces of broken toystore toast

No Country for Old Men (R)
Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, Beth Grant, Garret Dillahunt
Directed by: Joel Coen
Based on the acclaimed novel by Pulitzer Prize winning American master Cormac McCarthy, don’t assume this is a simple story of a fugitive being pursued across the west by two lawmen. The Coen brothers fill the screen with pessimistic, blood-soaked wit just like they did in “Blood Simple,” and “Fargo.“
4 pieces of Coen Brothers toast

Southland Tales (R)
Seann William Scott, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jason Lee, Janeane Garofalo, Tim Blake Nelson
Directed by: Richard Kelly
Set in Los Angeles on the Fourth of July, 2008, that date may be all that is coherent in this mishmash of a film stuffed with grand ideas, flashes of brilliance, and lame executions of the same.
1 and 1/2 pieces of this ain’t no “Donny Darko” toast

NEW ON VIDEO/DVD

Shrek the Third (PG)
Voices of Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Antonio Banderas
Directed by: Ramen Hui, Chris Miller
Box Office: $320,706,665
Advertised (by the studio) as “inspired by at least 28 award-winning movies,” the new directors vowed to eliminate modern pop culture references and instead substitute baby boomer pop culture references. The green ogre whines that he isn’t like he used to be “and he’s not. He’s been tamed and the result is too soft-edged. We like our Ogres wild.
2 pieces of disappointing toast

Ocean’s Thirteen (PG-13)
George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Chedle, Bernie Mas, Carl Reiner, etc.
Directed by: Steven Soderbergh
Box Office: $117,096,871
Al Pacino and Ellen Barkin join the familiar faces in this reversion back to the winning formula of the original. This time the crew join forces to steal from the evil guy who sent Elliott Gould to the hospital after swindling him out of his casino. Slick, taut, sexy and entertaining, just don’t notice all the plot devices and coincidences and you’ll have a good time.
3 pieces of double crossing caper toast.