Gil Mansergh’s Cinema Toast

New Releases 3/14/08

Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who (G)
Voices of: Jim Carrey, Steve Carell, Carol Burnett, Seth Rogan Will Arnett
Directed by Jimmy Hayward

It’s hard not to rhyme
Or start sounding too groovy,
When spending your time
On a Seussian movie,
‘Bout an egg-hatching Pachy
Named Horton, no less,
Who spent so much time
On that Mayzie bird’s nest,
And who now hears small voices
From a wee speck of dust,
They’re voices from Whoville,
And hear them we must.
For if we didn’t,
This would just be “stale beer”
Instead of a fable
That says proudly “We’re here!”

3 and 1/2 pieces of Dr. Seuss toast

Never Back Down (PG-13)
Starring: Sean Faris, Djimon Hounsou
Directed by: Jeff Wadlow
Triteness is the catchword for this predictable rehash of “Karate Kid” meets “Fight Club” “so why does this underdog tale still work? The answer is: a real story, good direction and great acting all take this a notch above what I expected “and won me over. By the way, this time Mr Miyagi is from Senegal.
3 pieces of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) toast

Doomsday (R)
Starring: Rhona Mitra, Sean Pertwee, MyAnna Buring, Nora-Jane Noone, Bob Hoskins
Director: Neil Marshall
After a virus strikes, an unnamed country brutally quarantines all potentially infected people behind an impregnable wall. It works for thirty years, until the plague violently reappears and an elite special military team is sent into the quarantine area to retrieve a rlumored cure “by any means necessary.
Any similarity between “28 Days Later” and “I Am Legend,” And numerous other violent plague movies must be coincidental.
Unavailable for preview

The Band’s Visit (PG-13)
Starring: Sasson Gabai, Ronit Elkabetz, Saleh Bakri, Khalifa Natour
Director: Eran Kolirin
Barriers are broken down when eight members of an Egyptian Police Orchestra are stranded in a small Israeli village. Music and humanity cross cultural chasms in this small and heartfelt story.
3 pieces of powder-blue uniforms toast

Funny Games (R)
Starring: Naomi Watts, Michael Pitt, Tim Roth, Brady Corbet, Devon Gearhart
Director: Michael Haneke
Disquised as an “art film,” this extremely nihilistic dreck should be avoided by every reasonable ticket buyer. This is sadistic torture porn to the max with white-gloved, preppy-clothed sadists killing pets, blowing a child apart with a shotgun; breaking a man’s legs, arms and kneecaps with a golf club, and pushing a woman from a speedboat with a rope around her neck. Yuck
1/2 piece of truly pornographic toast

Girls Rock! (PG)
Directed by: Shane King and Arne Johnson
Girls from 8 to 18 are sent to Rock ‘n Roll Camp where they have a week to select an instrument, a band to play with, and write a song they will perfom in front of an audience of 700 “fans.” On the way, they are indoctrinated about empowerment, anger management, and self-defense and told “It’s OK to exactly who you are” from indie-rock chicks.
3 pieces of “We’re all OK” toast

NEW VIDEO/DVDs

No Country for Old Men (R)
Starring: Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, Beth Grant, Garret Dillahunt
Directed/Produced by: Joel and Ethan Coen
Based on the acclaimed novel by Pulitzer Prize winning American master Cormac McCarthy, don’t assume this is a simple story of a victim being pursued across the west by a sadistic hit man with an odd haircut hefting a compressed-air slaughtering maul. The Coen brothers mnage to fill the screen with their trade-mark blood-soaked, pessimism just like they did in “Blood Simple,” and “Fargo,” and Bardem’s villian is worthy of the Oscar.
4 pieces of Coen Brothers toast

Bee Movie (R)
Voices of: Jerry Seinfeld, Renee Zelweger, Matthew Brodrick, Chris Rock,
Directed by: Simon J. Smith
TV comedian Seinfeld wrote this film and his style of humor just doesn’t work with animated insects. Only Chris Rock seems to get in the groove and really bee funny.
2 pieces of bad script toast

Dan In Real Life (PG-13)
Starring: Steve Carell, Juliette Binoche
Directed by: Peter Hodges
Despite plot devices that seem stolen from TV sitcoms, Steve Carell’s portrayal of a widower with three young daughters makes you care for what’s going on “especially after he discovers that the woman he has fallen head-over-heels in love with, is his brother’s girlfriend.
3 pieces of feel-good toast